Same book, different day.

After wading through dozens of cakes ranging from florid to unforgivable, we have finally arrived at the exciting world of CHEESE DECORATING (page 63, if you're following along). No, they don't mean naugahyde gouda, or havarti feng shui. They mean vibrantly colored cream cheese desecrating savory crackers. Here are a few examples:

Okay, freaky flowers, bizarre patterns, gross green swan, fine, fine, fine...but what the HELL is the deal with that black guy? Who would eat that? Cheese should NEVER be black, nor should it ever assume human form. Blecchh.

Okay, enough of the "edibles." Let's get to the point of this book: products.

In amongst the hordes of dippy decor and tacky toppers are some nuggets of wonder that I would happily pay for. Like this little diamond:

I think for accuracy the conductor's baton should have been a ruler. Check out Bernadette on the bass drum! You go, Sister!

Next time you're producing pastry for pedophiles, consider these:

Pre-pubescent pixies cling suggestively to plumply erect candles. Thank god for black and white, because I'm guessing those tapers are red. To cap it off, they talk about pushing them in "to the desired level." Ewww. Really.

Oooh, how about some rudimentary Rock'em Sock'em Robots? Weak.

Sometimes the title just says it all.

Oh, look! Oh, see! Oh, look and see the Funny Dressed Clown!

Is the funny dressed clown really that funny? Only when compared to the disturbing naked clown.

Let's end this book on a high note, shall we? Okay, no. To crown your most politically incorrect cake, choose this pair:

Meet, really, "Princess Pearl the Injun Girl" and "Smokin' Sam the Injun Man," complete with "self-smoking cigarettes that smoke by themselves." They even blow smoke rings. Or, more accurately, they blow.

Gads.