My cat is a whore.

If there were a cat porn magazine, my cat would be on the cover, in the centerfold, and featured in several "I never thought this would happen to me but..." letters.

She showed up at the window one night, which we didn't notice until our two neutered male cats started launching themselves at the glass and yowling like Charlie Sheen at a strip club.

So hubby headed outside and she climbed right up him, and started circling his neck and kind of rubbing the side of her butt in his face. While he was standing up. Having done some fairly acrobatic sexual maneuvers in my day, I can appreciate both the balance and commitment.

We took her to the vet for shots, only to find out she was six months old and already knocked up. At six months, for chrissake! Apparently state-sanctioned abstinence classes never made it to the barn.

Three kittens later we took her in for some serious neutering. And found out the slut was already in heat.

She developed buttdar - she'd put her head down on the floor, raise her ass into the air, and walk around in circles with her hind feet. And she sounded like Kenny G on meth. So we kicked her butt outside.

Our neuters were aroused but confused. Which reminded me tragically of my first husband.

Even now, uterus-free, she humps the floor if you pet her while she's eating. She rolls over onto her back and offers herself whenever anything large passes by. And she licks herself. A lot. Which makes me extremely jealous.